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Screenames too tilting? US players can play on anonymous tables at Bovada. |
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Thought of a funny screen name? Play online poker in the US at Americas Cardroom and Juicy Stakes. |
Welcome to the poker jokes section of PokerHarder. Here you’ll find the best and most entertaining humor and jokes on poker.
Playing poker, or poker in general, can be quite serious business every now and then. To help you relax a bit after a long stretch of playing poker, either online or in real life, we’ve created the PokerHarder poker fun section with a lot of poker humor. From the best and most epic poker videos , to the hottest poker babes, we’ve brought it all together in this poker fun section of PokerHarder.
Now what would the PokerHarder poker fun section, or any poker fun page for that matter, be without a page filled with poker jokes? That’s right, a fun section without poker jokes wouldn’t be any fun at all. Luckily our fun-editor shares this insight and has gone to great lengths to serve you a collection of the funniest poker jokes.
Our editor searched far and wide on the internet for poker jokes, went through thousands of pages of books of jokes he found up in his attic, and spent weeks tracking down high roller poker players to ask them to share their poker jokes and anecdotes, all to be able to bring you only the best and funniest poker jokes.
Take a look at our poker jokes section and you’ll be sure to have a laugh or two. Feel free to send any joke you like to your friends for their enjoyment and to share a laugh with us.
Enjoy this collection of funny poker jokes, humor and statements:
Joke #1: 5 Signs You Might Have A Poker Addiction…
- You can stack $10.00 worth of quarters into 8 perfect stacks of 5 quarters each in three seconds flat
- You yell, “Ship it!” at the ATM when you withdraw cash.
- You use the phrase “bad beat” when lending a sympathetic ear to a friend.
- Your kids are named Check and Raise
- You are having such a bad day at hold ’em that you decide to take a break… and play Omaha
Joke #2: You Know You’re Running Bad When…
- The guy next to you keeps telling you where the ATM is
- You order a cheese sandwich at $1.10, and by the time the waitress brings it, you can’t pay for it.
- When you start cussing out someone for calling your pre-flop raise with JQ (suited)
- The only things you say all night are ‘Nice hand’, ‘Well played’ and ‘Chips’!
- The nice little old lady with the big pile of (your) chips in front of her inquires if you play here often.
Joke #3: The Dead Poker Player
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, ‘Now, who is going to tell the wife?’
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.
‘Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.’
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, ‘Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.’
She hollers, ‘TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!’
Rippington says, ‘I’ll tell him.’
Joke #4: The rabbi, a minister and a priest.
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police came with his dog to raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: ‘Father Murphy, were you gambling?‘
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, ‘Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.‘ To the police officer, he then says, ‘No, officer, I was not gambling.‘
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The officer then asks the minister: ‘Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?’
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, ‘No, officer, I was not gambling.”
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: ‘Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?‘
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: ‘With whom?‘
Joke #5: Silent Tommy
Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence.
‘Tommy,‘ said his teacher. ‘I’ve just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half.‘
Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, ‘You lose.‘
Joke #6: Husband’s losing rent money
‘That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,’ the housewife told a neighbor.
‘You didn’t do it, did you?’
‘I have to admit I did — though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven’t done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!’
Joke #7: Kids Play Poker Too
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The milkman walks up to number 36, and as he passes the window he looks in and sees a group of young boys drinking bourbon and playing poker for what looks like huge stakes.
He rings the bell and a 6 year old boy answers with cards in his hand and a cigar in his mouth…
The milkman asks, ‘Are your parents in?‘
The boy replies, “WHAT DO YOU [email protected]%*NG THINK?”
Joke #8: Blondie Plays Poker
Did ya hear about the blonde who brought a bag of frozen?
french fries to a poker game?
Someone told her to bring her own chips.
Joke #9: Vampires playing poker
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What do vampires play poker for?
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‘High stakes‘.